Overwhelm

There are so many things to write, I don’t know where to start… too many ideas swirling around in my head. I can’t find a pen. Should I type it? I feel anxious. Sweaty. My chest hurts. Head aches. Everything is tense. Screw this. What’s on Netflix? What’s in the fridge? I think I should lie down. Scroll through Facebook. There is too much. I can’t do this. It’s too much. I want to cry and scream. Or crazy laugh like the Joker. Don’t push me. I’m close to the edge. Wound up like a jack in the box. My to do list is burying me alive. I’ll never get out. Impossible. Frantic. Headless chicken. I can’t breathe.

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Shrunk the t-shirt. Took it to Goodwill and left it there. I hope no one else picks it up unless they have nothing else to wear.

Overwhelm is a sucky way to live. It’s not living, actually. It’s surviving. Your fight or flight response is on high alert and you are in survival mode. Hopefully, you can get through the day and crash when you finally lie down. Your “to do” list feels like bottomless mimosas, but less fun. Everytime you take a sip, someone comes along and tops up your glass. They keep pouring even when you’ve stopped drinking and then it spills over onto the floor and now you have to clean that mess up too. Overwhelm curls up in the fetal position and pulls the blankets over its head. Overwhelm feels like Bambi on ice, running, slipping, going nowhere, losing control and ending up face down in a snowbank. Good times.

Here’s what I have learned about overwhelm, the problem is not actually the situation you are in, it’s just the way you are looking at it. It’s all about perspective. It’s all the “shoulds” and “have tos”. All the things your “not enoughness” says you need to be doing, but you’re not. Your mom guilt, your ego, your shame, your keeping up with the Jones’s, cultural expectations, antiquated gender roles. All of these things can make you feel like you are drowning. I’d like to tell you to drop all this sh*t like it’s hot, but it’s not always so easy.

So how about a little shift in perspective. Next time you feel like the world is on your back with Mount Everest summit in front of you, try a little word game. Replace the words “have to” with “get to”. Totally different feeling. The truth is, you can literally apply this to any situation. Even the not so great things. The alternatives could always be worse. Back in my chronic overwhelm chapter, I was a stay at home mom with a husband who worked out of town. When my youngest was born I had a four year old, a one year old and a newborn. You could say I was in over my head. I was exhausted, hormonal and feeling like I was failing all the time (I wasn’t). There were many sleepless nights with two babies crying in two different rooms and one me sobbing in the hallway, exhausted and alone, praying the four year old could sleep through all of our wailing. There were so many things on my list that I couldn’t even look at it. So many “have tos”, but really, if I had just taken a moment and realized that I didn’t “have to”, I “got to”, what a difference that could have made. So many people out there wanting a child and not able to have one or worse had lost one. I “got to” be a mom. I had the choice to stay home and raise them. Many people don’t. I “got to” do that. Would this have solved all my problems, no. But I daresay, it could have taken the edge off and made me appreciate things a little more.

If I could go back in time and tell this version of myself one thing, it would be this: of all of the things you think you “have to” do, 90% of them are a complete waste of time and energy. The things you think are so important, they mostly aren’t. Did I need to feed and bathe and care for my children? Absolutely! Did I need to make cookies from scratch? Make the most epic birthday parties with elaborately decorated homemade cakes? Did my house have to be in show home condition all the time? Did I need to have the perfect bounced back baby body? No. The answer to all of these questions was no. My expectations for myself were of superhuman caliber. And with these incredibly unrealistic expectations came my chronic state of overwhelm and self loathing for never living up to the impossible standards I had set for myself. The bar I set was so high, I couldn’t even see it. It was not a fun space to live in, to be a constant disappointment to myself.

Over time, I have learned to let go of a lot of things and focus on what is really important. I have learned to ask for help and to set realistic expectations for myself. Self care. What a trip! Whoever invented that was bloody brilliant! I definitely find more time for that and have learned how to restore myself by doing things that bring me joy versus just crashing out of exhaustion. I have learned to make a list, get all of the things that are swirling around in my head out on paper to quiet the brain chatter and then I take that list and cross out like 50% as nonessential items. Or I put them on a separate list. The “if i have time to kill list” or “I’m going to do this one day, but it’s not a priority right now” list. And you know what is funny about those lists, eventually, those things get checked off too. By removing them from the clutter in my brain, I am better able to focus on the more urgent priorities and get them out of the way and suddenly find myself with the motivation to do the “one day” things. Stressing and feeling overwhelmed consumed all of my time and energy so it was little wonder I couldn't get anything done. Once I put down the stress I was able to focus with renewed energy and I could start tackling things one by one. Checking things off a list feels good, I don’t care who you are. Accomplishing things builds confidence like nothing else. And most of those tasks that you spent months stressing about probably ended up taking no more than 20 minutes to accomplish. The anxiety about the things is always worse than the actual thing.

So get it all out of your head. Right that sh*t down. Sometimes all these swirling thoughts need is a voice. Get them out of your head and onto paper. Or a spreadsheet. You do you. I love a good list that I can check off. Makes me feel like a productivity rockstar. My energy can then be spent actually doing something on the list rather than wearing myself out ruminating about all of it. I don’t know about you, but I find the constant mind chatter reminding me of all the things I need to do completely draining. Once I write it down, I feel so much calmer and I can stop worrying about forgetting something, because I have this handy dandy list. It’s bloody brilliant. And I get the uber satisfaction of checking something off the list. So satisfying.

Lastly, If I am feeling overwhelmed and don’t know where to begin, can’t focus or make a decision, or just need to get out of my own head, I get up and move. There is nothing like a good walk to clear the head. Walk with no ulterior motive. It’s not part of a work out plan and there is no destination. Just walk. Breathe the fresh air. Let your thoughts come and go as they will. No judgment attached. I always feel better, more clear and less anxious after even a five minute walk around the block. Just breathe.

So move, breathe, look at things through a different lens, put your “shoulds” away, get it out of your head, manage your expectations and be grateful for all of the things you “get to do”. Don’t forget, delegating is a thing. Asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength. High achieving people are not doing every little thing. They spend their energy where it can do the most good.

Have a snack, go for a massage. Be in the moment.

And for God’s sake, say no once in a while.

You got this!

Save Yourself

Save yourself. No one is coming.

We may all fawn over the handsome hero who rushes in to save the day, but honestly, who wants to be an effing damsel in distress? Not me.

In those moments when the ship is sinking and we don’t want to get out of bed, we would all love nothing more than someone to show up and save the day. Save us from ourselves, from our pain and suffering. Show up brandishing a giant cheque with a hundred million dollars, the cure for what ails us or some other miraculous solution to whatever has gone wrong in our lives. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Or would it?

If we could order solutions from the skip the dishes menu, would we actually be better off than if we learned to create our own?

If your biggest problem is finding a parking space at the mall, sure, a magic wand would be helpful, but when it comes to real life suffering, I don’t believe the easy button is the answer. This denies you the opportunity to grow and to become the stronger, more confident version of yourself and opens you up to keep learning the same lesson over and over. Hop back on the struggle bus for another ride. No one wants that. The driver is whack and keeps driving in circles in the worst neighbourhood, there’s vomit on the seat and it smells like despair. Get off.

Or rather Get UP! This is your trip around the sun and you alone are responsible for how you spend it. Stop waiting for the calvary to come. Be your own hero. Lean on the people who love you. They can shine a light and draw you a map but you are the one that has to make that journey.

And stop trying to rescue other people. That is not your job unless you are a legit first responder. Inspire, encourage, and support but allow your loved ones the opportunity to learn how to pick themselves up. Doing the work for them, only keeps them stuck and you will both get trapped in a codependent cycle that can only end badly.

The person you become on the other side is so worth the climb. So get off the struggle bus and pick up your own sword. Slay the demon and become the hero of your own story. You are a bad ass mother effing warrior.

Get out there and do epic sh*t.

Expectations - The Birthplace of Disappointment

I think it was Wayne Dyer who said, “Expect nothing and accept everything.”

Easier said than done, I expect.

We all have expectations around all kinds of things, particularly people and their behaviour. Problems arise because two people often have completely different expectations around the same situation and most likely no one thought to articulate them in any way. For example, on any given Saturday I may wake up excitedly thinking about how much we, as a family, can get done around the house and my kids may wake up excited to “chill”. This is likely going to end up being a very frustrating and disappointing day all around. I will be frustrated because no one wants to help and the kids are going to be grumpy because they wanted to relax and are instead being enslaved in a household chore ring of hitherto unheard of child labour involving cleaning rooms and vacuuming.

How do we circumvent this misalignment of expectations? Maybe just a little forethought. Mom gives the kids a heads up the night before or even days before. “I'd like to get the house cleaned on Saturday (because we have x, y, z on Sunday) and I need your help. Once the chores are done, the day is yours. Tell me what you would like to do with the rest of your day?” Expectations are clearly communicated, everyone feels valued, seen and heard and we skip off into the weekend holding hands and singing Kumbaya. Or something like that.

Expectations between romantic partners can be a little more subtle and tricky to navigate. Sometimes we don’t even realize we have expectations around a situation until we are knee deep in it. Let’s take dating for example. You match up on Bumble. You both have “looking for a long term relationship” on your profile. Looks like you are off to a great start. Except one of you is expecting to take things slow and spend some time getting to know one another and the other person is ready to just dive right in and you meet at the car after the second date, one leans in for a kiss and the other tries to escape the embrace like David Copperfield in a pair of handcuffs and now you are left with an awkward goodnight and the tire squeal of humiliation. Date OVER. Single for another day.

Seems like an easy enough fix. Be aware of your expectations and articulate them. No one actually knows what you are thinking and subtle hints are sure fire ways to make someone fail. People cannot read your mind. Pinky, are you thinking what I am thinking? No. He literally never was. Brain was trying to take over the world and Pinky just wanted to have a good time. I mean Brain was lucky that Pinky just wanted to be helpful and never had any expectations of his own. Brain, on the other hand, had tremendous expectations everyday and was constantly disappointed and frustrated.

So much we can learn from these lab mice and their highly underrated 90s cartoons. Talk about tenacity, perseverance and determination. Brain failed hundreds of times on his quest for world domination but I like to believe that even though they stopped making the show, eventually he succeeded and that in some cartoon universe there's a world dominated by a brilliant, genetically altered mouse and his spunky sidekick.

Wandering back to my point, we should have the fortitude of Brain, the fierce determination and no quit attitude, but leave the disappointing expectations at the door and face the day with the unflappable glee of Pinky. Absolutely have goals, dreams and aspirations but do not chain them down with your timelines and expected outcomes. Fall in love with the process. Keep your heart and mind open to the possibilities. Show up, get to work and have faith that everything will happen as it should. Don’t weigh your dreams down with expectations. It’s a sure fire way to lose your passion and purpose, become frustrated and give up.

As for relationships. Be clear. Be willing to hear the other person’s expectations and be respectful of them. If they expect to eat ice cream at the end of every date and you are lactose intolerant, this is likely not a good match, move on. But, if you are willing to go for ice cream once a month and they are good with that, then scoop on my friend. Everyone is on the same page. Speak up. Express your needs and listen to theirs. This is how we avoid disappointment and awkward parking lot goodbyes. Articulate your needs and boundaries (if you don’t know what those are - best spend some time figuring that shit out).

Put down your expectations and open yourself up to the possibilities. Accept what is and act from a place of joy.

Pinky, are you expecting what I’m expecting?

Narf!