Yo-Yo

I’ve been dancing between two fires most of my life. Fear and Desire. The double edge sword. It is totally possible and probable to simultaneously want something and also fear it. My Desire pushes me forward boldly - to a point -  and then Fear jumps at me from out of the darkness and sends me screaming back to where I started from. 

The most classic example of this is my Yo-Yo weight journey. I am always hella motivated to workout and eat healthy food. My mom was a fitness instructor. I could step kick and cha cha to John Cougar Mellencamp at four years old. Jumping jacks and pelvic tilt? Hell yeah! Fit and strong? Absolutely. Satisfied with my appearance? Never. I was in a constant state of “losing weight.” I would creep toward my goal, almost attain it and then trip at the finish line and head right back to the start. Never achieving my goal. Never satisfied with my results. 

We could delve deep into the psychology of why. There is a lot at play here for sure, a lot to unpack on my therapist’s couch, but ultimately, it’s that classic fear of success that kept me from reaching that goal. Who would I be if I achieved that perfect body I craved? How would people treat me differently? What would I do with all the time and energy I usually spent hating my body and really, myself, for not conforming? For not being perfect? How would my life change? Fear had a lot of questions I didn’t have the answers for and ultimately, Fear believed I would no longer be safe if I changed in this way. Too many unknowns. Too many variables. Better to not ever achieve it. 

You’d think I would have just given up. But no. Like Jerry Seinfeld in the Bee Movie, I just kept flying into that window, thinking “this time, this time”. I was hell bent and determined to get that perfect body. So I’d squat and run, lift and crunch and diet until my goal was so close I could taste it and then… I’d stop. Let life get in the way. Binge eat for a few days. Injure myself. And then hate myself and start over. I was stuck in a loop.  

It wasn’t until I started changing the way I viewed my body, that I was able to escape this seesaw existence. I spent a lot of energy learning to respect, nourish and love my body. The realization that my body was not a conduit for other people's pleasure, but for my own slapped me upside the head something hard. Having lived my entire life trying to be the object of other people's desire had completely cut me off from my own. I started listening to my body, appreciating it and giving it what it needed. Learning what felt good to me, looked good to me and honouring that with the choices I made and ignoring all the BS Fear was feeding me allowed me to let that seesaw drop and I walked away from that yo-yo lifestyle. 

Ok, well, not completely. Like everything else in life, it is a practice. I am better, but not perfect. The main difference being my awareness and understanding of why I do things, what my unhelpful beliefs about myself are and what I am afraid of and how that manifests in my life. This is particularly helpful when those nasty voices in my head creep up and whisper mean girl taunts to my subconscious that sabotage my peace and stunt my progress. At least now I can see them for what they are and “hopefully” make a better choice. Or at the very least, a conscious one, call Fear out for the bully that it is and reassure it that everything is going to be ok. My desires and goals are safe and I can handle whatever consequences arise from achieving them. 

At the end of the day, Fear is just a helicopter mom trying to protect me from myself and the big bad world. Her tactics are a little bit harsh, but I see the underlying intention. With this knowledge, I can lovingly reassure her that I know what I am doing and carry on my merry way toward my desires. I take the wheel while she pouts in the backseat. She’s never far away, but at least she isn’t driving anymore. Every once in a while she will poke her head up with some unhelpful advice, but there are no backseat drivers allowed on this journey. 

Count some cars or have a nap, I have places to go and things to do.